Revelations

Everyone is going to have to wait until next year to receive their ornaments. I was going to send them out, but when I got to thinking about it I figured that everyone has put away their Christmas by now (or will before my gifts get there) and then they'll either have to take boxes back out to put them away OR they'll get set aside and misplaced before next Christmas. At least everything will be done before Christmas and I won't have to worry about it next year except for the shipping (which I can do early!!!!).
I'm still plugging away on the socks that I promised my sisters and dad. I'm waiting on a reply for color preferences before finishing the toes (in case I need to change the length). The first sock that I finished will have to be redone because I decided to go with the short row heel with the subsequent socks instead of the slip stitch reinforced heel (mainly because it's a new technique and I think it looks more like a sock you would buy). I finished one of my mom's socks, but that's going to have to be redone as well because it's too low on the ankle (an uncomfortable low..... for me anyways). Just a few more rows will fix that and I'm debating on whether I should pick up stitches around the cuff and add on inches or not. I also saw this method where you unravel the cast on and pick up the loose stitches and knit and there's no difference (not much at least). I may try that method and if it doesn't work then I'll be kissing the frog.
Anyone reading my blog knows I've been sick for awhile now (this is the revelation part). I'm scheduled for a CT on the 17th and to put it bluntly I'm scared s__tless. Not something that I'm able to admit readily. It's easier telling it to an unassuming computer screen. It has brought forth a whole bunch of issues that I find myself in need of dealing with now, partly because I think that most of my physical illness is caused by the emotional. Panic attacks run in my family and my life growing up would have brought out an anxiety disorder anyways. I've been an evil bear the past few weeks to everyone close to me and have come to realize it's because I'm scared. There's the possibility that I suffer from PTSD, something that I have thought in the past but dismissed. It makes sense because I did witness my mom almost dying at least three times and in all instances there are parts where I can't remember what happened. Those parts of the memories all have similarities because I was alone, but I can't remember what I did, thought or felt during that time..... at all. It's weird to realize that you have a hole in a memory that's otherwise clear as crystal in all other areas. That's a symptom of PTSD that I dismissed because I was sure that I remembered everything clearly until I was asked to actually do so. I also figured that I had been to so many mental health professionals growing up (to deal with sexual abuse) that they would have diagnosed me a long time ago. I am optimistic that now that I know what is wrong I can work through it on my own, but I am still going to seek a professional to confirm. Especially since I think the emotional may be causing my physical illnesses. I want to cover all my bases. It might be that I actually have something physically wrong,and in that event I'll need help dealing anyways so I'm covering my booty. I'm also at a point where if I have to take something until I get to a clear patch and can deal without taking it out on other people then I will and not be embarrassed about it. I just know that I can't keep letting it get worse. I was able to talk to my mom about a few things this morning and I feel so much better then I have felt in a long while. There are things that I feel guilty about, things that I'm angry about (and feel guilty about being angry about), and things that I'm sad about (which has resulted in an almost constant state of mourning). I know in my heart that I'm strong and that's it's taken me ten years to reach a breaking point without actually breaking. I see a crack in my foundation and am moving to repair it now before it breaks apart and brings down my house. I've noticed these cracks before and have been able to patch it myself but now it's time to call in a contractor (to complete my analogy). I need something in order to be able to move forward. I have all these ideas and dreams that I never act on because I don't want to compromise my responsibilities to other people, but I need to learn that I can do both. I know it, but I need to feel it. That's my big lightbulb moment for this year....... possibly the decade. Maybe this can help someone else struggling with the same kinds of things or I may just be typing to myself. Either way it's all good.