Sleep eludes me once again. I laid down at seven and slept for two hours before waking (with my heart pounding) and I have yet to be able to get back to sleep. I have my test results tomorrow and I'm nervous, but not for the reasons you would think. I'm more scared that I'll go in there and they'll say that they found nothing and that there's nothing wrong. A confirmation of my insanity. I just don't like not knowing because there's nothing I can do while in the proverbial dark. I just have to wait and I'm not the waiting type. I need to do something..... busy myself..... otherwise the time drags on..... and on..... and on.....AND ON!!! My original appointment was for the 23rd, but it was rescheduled by the doctor (his wife was having a baby that week) for the 28th leaving me to wait five more days........ IN AGONY!!!!! My hubby also leaves tomorrow with the ship and will get home right before the Super Bowl.
The hubs and I hit the tennis court today and I think I've found the perfect sport for me. I've always reveled in hunting flies with the fly swatter. I specialize in smacking them down mid flight. Just like tennis. I have to work on my accuracy and power though. I kept hitting it over the fence. All of my returns were out of bounds, but in response to the accuracy, it was very windy today and kept throwing the ball off course. I had the wind to my back so that might have made my returns fly a little farther as well. I ran back and forth after the ball and spent a lot of time laughing (because I kept missing). I would have had more hustle, but I was wearing pink Crocs (which tend to slip under your feet when you start sweating) so next time I'll be sure to strap on the tennis shoes.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Knit and Sail
I found a Buffy knits KAL. I was going to knit a sweater at a time and post on my blog, but I might join this knit a long. So far it just looks like people are making up or using patterns that fit the characters and then giving them names to Buffize them. I'm more interested in recreating the actual sweaters that they wore on the show. One person has actually done that with the Initiative sweater (kudos to them) and I hope to continue with Buffy's cotton candy boat mock neck sweater from season four. After that I want to do Willow's yellow and orange overlay from the Thanksgiving episode in season four. I've started mapping out the stripes (which is hard when someone keeps moving and you never get a complete view of the whole sweater). I'm going to make them for my daughter first which will insure that I won't need as much yarn and it will take less time. From there I can size everything up. If I get halfway through a sweater for her and then have to rip it, it's not as bad as if I have to rip out a sweater for myself since my daughter's only five and a very skinny little kid.
I'm still plugging away at all the socks that were supposed to be done by Christmas. I had sock burnout and had to stop for a week, but I think that I'm ready to continue. I still have yet to get a pair done. I have three out of eight socks done (one of which will be ripped and reknit because the heel is different..... so really I only have two and they're both from different pairs). I also still owe my mom socks from her birthday (which was in before Christmas) and a pair for Christmas. I have one of her socks done, but the ankle is a little too short. I wonder if I can unravel the first round, pick up stitches, and add onto the cuff without it looking "off". I can only try and if it doesn't work then I'll be forced to rip the whole sock and start over (which I really don't want to have to do). I am a FROG. Rip-it, rip-it!!!! Once I get all these socks done then I can get the rest of the projects that I started before the holidays done, one of which is a cardigan for myself. There's a lot of things that I want to get done and if I would just sit down and do them they would be done already. I've been spending most of my time sleeping because of stomach pain. It starts hurting and I lay down on my right side so that it doesn't hurt as much and then I fall asleep.
I started taking my Addyrall again. I think it was the five pounds that I gained this week. I've been off of it for three weeks and haven't gained anything back, but I was noticing that I was hungry on a massive scale and never seemed to get full. I don't know if that's back lash from coming off the Addyrall or if it's the birth control. Probably a little of both. On the Addyrall I lose weight without having to try, but I also don't eat. I have to force myself to eat two or three bites at each meal so that I don't burn out after a week from starvation. The Addyrall also raises my body temperature. I get HOT when I've taken it, but it helps me concentrate and helps with my fatigue so that I can get through my day without needing a nap, plus I get back on a regular sleep schedule. It helps me out all around..... at least for the first week or so. After that I think it builds in my system and gets to be too much so I have to take a week off to rehydrate, fuel back up on food and get more sleep (it starts to screw up my sleep to where I have trouble going to sleep). Maybe taking it every other day would work.
Anyways, onto knitting and hopefully taking up a few sports here soon. I'd like to start hitting the gym and maybe do some kite boarding and scuba diving. I want to at least get scuba certified before leaving the island. This place is also great for kite boarding because we get some great wind, but it can be dangerous. If you get a big up draft you can get lifted really high and then smack down.....hard. We had one guy die on the pacific side of the island and several people have gotten hurt. I also want to take my kids fishing. They want to ride on a boat and I want to catch a fish with them. Little fish that they can reel in...... not Marlins and Mahis. I wonder how long they'll be on the boat before they get bored? I would also like to learn how to sail and maybe get certified. You can take classes to become a captain , but enough certification to sail would be enough for me. I already kind of know how to because my dad takes me sailing when I go and visit him and I've always loved that. I'm in charge of the jib line, I get to run from one side of the boat to the other, dodging the main sail as it swings to the other side, and pull the jib line nice and tight and securing it. I've always taken it seriously. To be honest our boat is so small that you can sit at the rudder and grab the jib line to tighten from where you're sitting (meaning it really only takes one person), but that's the job I am charged with when we sail and I do my job. We've had a bigger boat where I actually did have to run from one side to the other to pull the jib tight. That was really fun.
I'm still plugging away at all the socks that were supposed to be done by Christmas. I had sock burnout and had to stop for a week, but I think that I'm ready to continue. I still have yet to get a pair done. I have three out of eight socks done (one of which will be ripped and reknit because the heel is different..... so really I only have two and they're both from different pairs). I also still owe my mom socks from her birthday (which was in before Christmas) and a pair for Christmas. I have one of her socks done, but the ankle is a little too short. I wonder if I can unravel the first round, pick up stitches, and add onto the cuff without it looking "off". I can only try and if it doesn't work then I'll be forced to rip the whole sock and start over (which I really don't want to have to do). I am a FROG. Rip-it, rip-it!!!! Once I get all these socks done then I can get the rest of the projects that I started before the holidays done, one of which is a cardigan for myself. There's a lot of things that I want to get done and if I would just sit down and do them they would be done already. I've been spending most of my time sleeping because of stomach pain. It starts hurting and I lay down on my right side so that it doesn't hurt as much and then I fall asleep.
I started taking my Addyrall again. I think it was the five pounds that I gained this week. I've been off of it for three weeks and haven't gained anything back, but I was noticing that I was hungry on a massive scale and never seemed to get full. I don't know if that's back lash from coming off the Addyrall or if it's the birth control. Probably a little of both. On the Addyrall I lose weight without having to try, but I also don't eat. I have to force myself to eat two or three bites at each meal so that I don't burn out after a week from starvation. The Addyrall also raises my body temperature. I get HOT when I've taken it, but it helps me concentrate and helps with my fatigue so that I can get through my day without needing a nap, plus I get back on a regular sleep schedule. It helps me out all around..... at least for the first week or so. After that I think it builds in my system and gets to be too much so I have to take a week off to rehydrate, fuel back up on food and get more sleep (it starts to screw up my sleep to where I have trouble going to sleep). Maybe taking it every other day would work.
Anyways, onto knitting and hopefully taking up a few sports here soon. I'd like to start hitting the gym and maybe do some kite boarding and scuba diving. I want to at least get scuba certified before leaving the island. This place is also great for kite boarding because we get some great wind, but it can be dangerous. If you get a big up draft you can get lifted really high and then smack down.....hard. We had one guy die on the pacific side of the island and several people have gotten hurt. I also want to take my kids fishing. They want to ride on a boat and I want to catch a fish with them. Little fish that they can reel in...... not Marlins and Mahis. I wonder how long they'll be on the boat before they get bored? I would also like to learn how to sail and maybe get certified. You can take classes to become a captain , but enough certification to sail would be enough for me. I already kind of know how to because my dad takes me sailing when I go and visit him and I've always loved that. I'm in charge of the jib line, I get to run from one side of the boat to the other, dodging the main sail as it swings to the other side, and pull the jib line nice and tight and securing it. I've always taken it seriously. To be honest our boat is so small that you can sit at the rudder and grab the jib line to tighten from where you're sitting (meaning it really only takes one person), but that's the job I am charged with when we sail and I do my job. We've had a bigger boat where I actually did have to run from one side to the other to pull the jib tight. That was really fun.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
What a Wonderful World over the Rainbow
Still feeling good today, which is a big deal. I think the last few days of realizing what was bugging me was key. I've known since right after Thanksgiving that I was dragging from something emotionally, but couldn't define it. I feel free and clear now, but I'm also wondering how long it's going to last. I'm going to enjoy it until it's gone and hope that it never goes away.
Big news out of our camp. We had a trip to the ER last night. My eldest cracked her chin on a curb while we were leaving her school. I took her to the school nurse because I didn't have anything clean to press on it to stop the bleeding. It was very obvious that it was going to need stitches as soon as she lifted her head because a piece of her chin was hanging down like someone had grabbed it and tried to rip it from her face. The nurse patched her with steri- strips and some gauze to help stop the bleeding until we could get to the ER. I figured it would stop the bleeding, but once we arrived at the ER I turned to look at her and there was blood coming through the other side of the gauze. They stitched her with three stitches. The hardest part was numbing her for the stitches. They had to wrap her like a burrito. She didn't like the feel of the lidocaine (it does burn quite a bit AND they were poking her where it was open..... tell me who likes that), but she was quiet and still for the actual stitching (I thought she had passed out). It was still bleeding a little this morning and I'm hoping it doesn't get infected and heals like it's supposed to. The wound was never irrigated, but it was bleeding good and blood is your body's natural irrigation. She's only five so I think she did really good. My son is the one that jumps off of everything and bounces all over the place like he's trying to hurt himself and has never needed stitches. This is number two for my girl (last time was the chin too and she got liquid stitches that time so it wasn't as bad).
It's raining here today. ALOT. I woke at 3 in the morning to really loud thunder. After awhile I thought maybe the navy was bombing something because it was so loud, but I didn't see any lightening. One little fact about Guam is that we have a rainbow here almost everyday (at least every other day). Sometimes they look so close that you swear if you keep driving/ walking that you'll make it to the end of it. I saw one that looked like it ended in a parking lot in front of me. One end always touches land and the other goes off out to sea. Are we really somewhere over the rainbow? :-)
Big news out of our camp. We had a trip to the ER last night. My eldest cracked her chin on a curb while we were leaving her school. I took her to the school nurse because I didn't have anything clean to press on it to stop the bleeding. It was very obvious that it was going to need stitches as soon as she lifted her head because a piece of her chin was hanging down like someone had grabbed it and tried to rip it from her face. The nurse patched her with steri- strips and some gauze to help stop the bleeding until we could get to the ER. I figured it would stop the bleeding, but once we arrived at the ER I turned to look at her and there was blood coming through the other side of the gauze. They stitched her with three stitches. The hardest part was numbing her for the stitches. They had to wrap her like a burrito. She didn't like the feel of the lidocaine (it does burn quite a bit AND they were poking her where it was open..... tell me who likes that), but she was quiet and still for the actual stitching (I thought she had passed out). It was still bleeding a little this morning and I'm hoping it doesn't get infected and heals like it's supposed to. The wound was never irrigated, but it was bleeding good and blood is your body's natural irrigation. She's only five so I think she did really good. My son is the one that jumps off of everything and bounces all over the place like he's trying to hurt himself and has never needed stitches. This is number two for my girl (last time was the chin too and she got liquid stitches that time so it wasn't as bad).
It's raining here today. ALOT. I woke at 3 in the morning to really loud thunder. After awhile I thought maybe the navy was bombing something because it was so loud, but I didn't see any lightening. One little fact about Guam is that we have a rainbow here almost everyday (at least every other day). Sometimes they look so close that you swear if you keep driving/ walking that you'll make it to the end of it. I saw one that looked like it ended in a parking lot in front of me. One end always touches land and the other goes off out to sea. Are we really somewhere over the rainbow? :-)
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Revelations
Everyone is going to have to wait until next year to receive their ornaments. I was going to send them out, but when I got to thinking about it I figured that everyone has put away their Christmas by now (or will before my gifts get there) and then they'll either have to take boxes back out to put them away OR they'll get set aside and misplaced before next Christmas. At least everything will be done before Christmas and I won't have to worry about it next year except for the shipping (which I can do early!!!!).
I'm still plugging away on the socks that I promised my sisters and dad. I'm waiting on a reply for color preferences before finishing the toes (in case I need to change the length). The first sock that I finished will have to be redone because I decided to go with the short row heel with the subsequent socks instead of the slip stitch reinforced heel (mainly because it's a new technique and I think it looks more like a sock you would buy). I finished one of my mom's socks, but that's going to have to be redone as well because it's too low on the ankle (an uncomfortable low..... for me anyways). Just a few more rows will fix that and I'm debating on whether I should pick up stitches around the cuff and add on inches or not. I also saw this method where you unravel the cast on and pick up the loose stitches and knit and there's no difference (not much at least). I may try that method and if it doesn't work then I'll be kissing the frog.
Anyone reading my blog knows I've been sick for awhile now (this is the revelation part). I'm scheduled for a CT on the 17th and to put it bluntly I'm scared s__tless. Not something that I'm able to admit readily. It's easier telling it to an unassuming computer screen. It has brought forth a whole bunch of issues that I find myself in need of dealing with now, partly because I think that most of my physical illness is caused by the emotional. Panic attacks run in my family and my life growing up would have brought out an anxiety disorder anyways. I've been an evil bear the past few weeks to everyone close to me and have come to realize it's because I'm scared. There's the possibility that I suffer from PTSD, something that I have thought in the past but dismissed. It makes sense because I did witness my mom almost dying at least three times and in all instances there are parts where I can't remember what happened. Those parts of the memories all have similarities because I was alone, but I can't remember what I did, thought or felt during that time..... at all. It's weird to realize that you have a hole in a memory that's otherwise clear as crystal in all other areas. That's a symptom of PTSD that I dismissed because I was sure that I remembered everything clearly until I was asked to actually do so. I also figured that I had been to so many mental health professionals growing up (to deal with sexual abuse) that they would have diagnosed me a long time ago. I am optimistic that now that I know what is wrong I can work through it on my own, but I am still going to seek a professional to confirm. Especially since I think the emotional may be causing my physical illnesses. I want to cover all my bases. It might be that I actually have something physically wrong,and in that event I'll need help dealing anyways so I'm covering my booty. I'm also at a point where if I have to take something until I get to a clear patch and can deal without taking it out on other people then I will and not be embarrassed about it. I just know that I can't keep letting it get worse. I was able to talk to my mom about a few things this morning and I feel so much better then I have felt in a long while. There are things that I feel guilty about, things that I'm angry about (and feel guilty about being angry about), and things that I'm sad about (which has resulted in an almost constant state of mourning). I know in my heart that I'm strong and that's it's taken me ten years to reach a breaking point without actually breaking. I see a crack in my foundation and am moving to repair it now before it breaks apart and brings down my house. I've noticed these cracks before and have been able to patch it myself but now it's time to call in a contractor (to complete my analogy). I need something in order to be able to move forward. I have all these ideas and dreams that I never act on because I don't want to compromise my responsibilities to other people, but I need to learn that I can do both. I know it, but I need to feel it. That's my big lightbulb moment for this year....... possibly the decade. Maybe this can help someone else struggling with the same kinds of things or I may just be typing to myself. Either way it's all good.
I'm still plugging away on the socks that I promised my sisters and dad. I'm waiting on a reply for color preferences before finishing the toes (in case I need to change the length). The first sock that I finished will have to be redone because I decided to go with the short row heel with the subsequent socks instead of the slip stitch reinforced heel (mainly because it's a new technique and I think it looks more like a sock you would buy). I finished one of my mom's socks, but that's going to have to be redone as well because it's too low on the ankle (an uncomfortable low..... for me anyways). Just a few more rows will fix that and I'm debating on whether I should pick up stitches around the cuff and add on inches or not. I also saw this method where you unravel the cast on and pick up the loose stitches and knit and there's no difference (not much at least). I may try that method and if it doesn't work then I'll be kissing the frog.
Anyone reading my blog knows I've been sick for awhile now (this is the revelation part). I'm scheduled for a CT on the 17th and to put it bluntly I'm scared s__tless. Not something that I'm able to admit readily. It's easier telling it to an unassuming computer screen. It has brought forth a whole bunch of issues that I find myself in need of dealing with now, partly because I think that most of my physical illness is caused by the emotional. Panic attacks run in my family and my life growing up would have brought out an anxiety disorder anyways. I've been an evil bear the past few weeks to everyone close to me and have come to realize it's because I'm scared. There's the possibility that I suffer from PTSD, something that I have thought in the past but dismissed. It makes sense because I did witness my mom almost dying at least three times and in all instances there are parts where I can't remember what happened. Those parts of the memories all have similarities because I was alone, but I can't remember what I did, thought or felt during that time..... at all. It's weird to realize that you have a hole in a memory that's otherwise clear as crystal in all other areas. That's a symptom of PTSD that I dismissed because I was sure that I remembered everything clearly until I was asked to actually do so. I also figured that I had been to so many mental health professionals growing up (to deal with sexual abuse) that they would have diagnosed me a long time ago. I am optimistic that now that I know what is wrong I can work through it on my own, but I am still going to seek a professional to confirm. Especially since I think the emotional may be causing my physical illnesses. I want to cover all my bases. It might be that I actually have something physically wrong,and in that event I'll need help dealing anyways so I'm covering my booty. I'm also at a point where if I have to take something until I get to a clear patch and can deal without taking it out on other people then I will and not be embarrassed about it. I just know that I can't keep letting it get worse. I was able to talk to my mom about a few things this morning and I feel so much better then I have felt in a long while. There are things that I feel guilty about, things that I'm angry about (and feel guilty about being angry about), and things that I'm sad about (which has resulted in an almost constant state of mourning). I know in my heart that I'm strong and that's it's taken me ten years to reach a breaking point without actually breaking. I see a crack in my foundation and am moving to repair it now before it breaks apart and brings down my house. I've noticed these cracks before and have been able to patch it myself but now it's time to call in a contractor (to complete my analogy). I need something in order to be able to move forward. I have all these ideas and dreams that I never act on because I don't want to compromise my responsibilities to other people, but I need to learn that I can do both. I know it, but I need to feel it. That's my big lightbulb moment for this year....... possibly the decade. Maybe this can help someone else struggling with the same kinds of things or I may just be typing to myself. Either way it's all good.
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